Accepting Criticism
I have an almost psychotic fear of criticism. It has caused me to leave jobs, leave woman, move from cities, stop talking to family, you name it. If someone said something critical about/to me I was out, gone, see ya, no questions asked. It didn’t matter if I had any money in the bank or a place to go or even stay when I got……wherever; because anyplace was better than this! I always relied on my ability to figure it out once I got there and the unwavering surety that anyplace was better. Anywhere, was better than a place where it meant I had to take shit, where they didn’t get it, didn’t get me, they couldn’t see what I was trying to do or they didn’t understand anything at all. I always thought that I was the put upon party, the victim in the story, that they were wrong or mean or just jealous. Sometimes all those things were true, sometimes they weren’t. But what I didn’t understand, what I couldn’t see was it didn’t matter. I wasn’t thinking about me, I was thinking about them. I was letting their feelings inform me, destroy me, corrupt me.
It took me a long time to realize that if your always running from something, running kinda becomes what your life is about. I always felt that if someone criticized me they didn’t love me, or they wanted me to fail, or be embarrassed or humiliated. I would think that no-one gets criticized as much as me, that I was damaged somehow. I would think something must be fundamentally wrong with me. That I was a failure. The problem was, I wasn’t getting anywhere that way. Running can be fun if someone is chasing you, that shows they care right? What happens when no one cares what you do anymore? what then? I had to realize to some degree that getting shit on is part of life. Sorry, no great uplifting message here; it happens to everyone, it sucks, but depending on how you react to it, it can just be a blip or unravel everything you’ve worked for. You need to have a strong sense of why your there and what you’re doing. Its sounds cliché, but people’s bullshit is largely not about you. You really have to get the mindset of just plowing through and ask yourself ‘why am I letting other people disrupt my life so much?’ Is this giving them too much power?
Umm…yeah it is.
I had to figure out why this continued to happen and what I could to to mitigate my reaction to it. I needed a strategy, some tools to grab for in these moments.
When people would scream at me I tried to remember that everyone gets yelled at sometimes, and everyone has a story of failure. I would remind myself that even my hero’s, Ali, JFK, George Washington all have been criticized, all at times failed. It was my own personal ‘picturing everyone in their underwear’ trick. I would think to myself ‘why do I think I’m so special that I should never be criticized’. Everyone has to overcome obstacles. This helped a lot. Its not perfect, but it helps me buy some time in the moment, and then the passion fades a bit, and I can gain a measure of control over my emotions. We all need tools to keep the dogs out.
I’m not saying taking abuse is ok, but like an old boss of mine used to say ‘everyone takes shit from the person above them sometimes, it’s just how it is’.
I tried to stop being disappointed with the fact that people could be immature, petty and overly critical and just concentrated on trying not to take things personal, ever. I try to not worry as much about what the criticism meant, stopped seeing it as indictment of my worth as a person or an employee or a boyfriend or son and tried to see it as a necessary trial, a challenge to be overcome, the hero’s journey…. Maybe the metaphor of overcoming an emotionally immature boss who yells cause the scan took to long is not quite so glamorous, as compared to say, Luke Skywalker, but its all relative.
There is a fine line between criticism and abuse and sometimes its hard to know what you should put up with. Criticism can be productive and helpful, if you change the way you approach hearing it, it can be valuable. Abuse is negative, and selfish, but constructive criticism can come from a place of love and the desire to help. What is going too far? Once you get better at knowing yourself its easier to tell them apart. Its one I still struggle with though. When should you leave? When is that the best option? I always try to weigh the cost/benefit, how much do I need/want this job/relationship compared to how it makes me feel most often? Am I being fair? Am I being too defensive/paranoid?
These are struggles that everyone must conquer alone, no one can tell you whats best, its a feeling. Write these questions out, answer them and maybe you’ll realize you had the answers all along.
It took me a long time to realize that if your always running from something, running kinda becomes what your life is about. I always felt that if someone criticized me they didn’t love me, or they wanted me to fail, or be embarrassed or humiliated. I would think that no-one gets criticized as much as me, that I was damaged somehow. I would think something must be fundamentally wrong with me. That I was a failure.
The problem was, I wasn’t getting anywhere that way. Running can be fun if someone is chasing you, that shows they care, right? What happens when no one cares what you do anymore? What then? I had to realize to some degree that getting shit on is part of life. It happens to everyone, it sucks, but depending on how you react to it, it can just be a blip or unravel everything you’ve worked for. You have to have a strong sense of why your there and what you’re doing. Its sounds cliché, but it’s not about you. You really have to get the mindset of just plowing through. Why am I letting other people disrupt my life so much? Is this giving them too much power? Umm…yeah it is. I had to figure out why this was happening and what I could to mitigate my reaction to it. I needed a strategy, some tools to grab for in these moments.
When people would scream at me I tried to remember that everyone gets yelled at sometimes, and everyone has a story of failure. I would remind myself that even my hero’s, Ali, JFK, George Washington all have been criticized, all at times failed. It was my own personal ‘picturing everyone in their underwear’ trick. I would think to myself “why do I think I’m so special that I should never be criticized”. Everyone has to overcome obstacles. This helped a lot.
Its not perfect, but it helps me buy some time in the moment, and then the passion fades a bit, and I can gain a measure of control over my emotions.
We all need tools to keep the dogs out. I’m not saying taking abuse is ok, but like an old boss of mine used to say “everyone takes shit from the person above them sometimes, it’s just how it is”. I tried to stop being disappointed with the fact that people could be immature and overly critical and just concentrated on trying not to take things personal, ever. I try to not worry as much about what the criticism meant, stopped seeing it as an indictment of my worth as a person or an employee or a boyfriend, and tried to see it as a necessary trial, a challenge to be overcome, the hero’s journey…. Maybe the metaphor of overcoming an emotionally immature boss who yells cause the scan took to long is not quite so glamorous, as compared to say, Luke Skywalker, but its all relative.
There is a fine line between criticism and abuse and sometimes its hard to know what you should put up with. Criticism can be productive and helpful, if you change the way you approach hearing it, it can be valuable. Abuse is negative, and selfish. What is going too far? What is accepting too much?
Once you get better at knowing yourself its easier to tell them apart. Its one I still struggle with though. When should you leave? When is that the best option? I always try to weigh the cost/benefit, how much do I need/want this job/relationship compared to how it makes me feel most often? Am I being fair? Am I being too defensive/paranoid? These are struggles that everyone must conquer alone, no one can tell you whats best, its a feeling.
Write these questions out, answer them and maybe you’ll realize you had the answers all along.
